Tomorrow I begin my journey to China, and a lot of crazy amazing things happen. Nerves have begun, but eventually I will be fine, right?
Being awake and knowing that not a person in the universe cares that you can’t sleep.
It hurts worse when you see that everyone else has someone who would care.
But the worst kind of hurt is when you used to have someone who cared, and now you are lying awake alone, drifting cold in circles around a sun you can’t see, spreading warmth you can’t feel.
It hurts sometimes. In the wee hours of the morning, when your eyes are tired of staring at the same harsh lights and tiny characters thst you hide behind because they give you a world to live in because this world doesn’t love you and seems out to get you and maybe here I can be strong and I don’t feel any pain and I can move mountains and have
It hurts sometimes when you lie there sweating in the cold, wishing for a warmth from outside of you that would make you melt and finally not feel so frozen, inadequate, stiff.
It hurts sometimes when the only light is the one you are holding and all you can see in front of you are the long shadows of the lights everyone else holds and
Shares. With each other.
It hurts sometimes when you can’t cry or hurt or let it show because keep a stiff upper lip and what’s wrong? doesn’t come and the hurt is just immature attention seeking and why are you so difficult can’t you see that everything is fine and you have everything you could ever want and are surrounded by people who
It hurts sometimes when the circle is around the icy pillar you used to know and why can’t they see you are here all alone and it is dark here in the quiet and cold and the ice is creeping. It is always there spreading from you as you shiver and make not an inconvenient sound.
It hurts sometimes when you reach out because you are drowning and the hands are right there and they are wagging their fingers at you No nothing can be wrong you are just being down on yoursekf wht do you have to be that way you have everything you want!
It hurts sometimes when stop. I don’t want to have ro hold my head high and soldier on as best I can and be strong and hold my head up high and live like I mean it and 4.0 star of the field strong and proud and happy but I am minus more than one and now it seems to me I am minus all I have but I guess you are right I guess it only seems of course hoe could I have not seen that everything is ok and I am doing fine and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and sure I was left alone waiting but you never came and of course I will fins someone who
Loves. Me. Right.
It hurts sometimes when the life I lead is never good enough and I am never good enough and I have kept this all in and I have taken up enough of your time and ai just want to find
It hurts sometimes when nobody will see this. Nobody will know that I can not sleep. Nobody will care. Alone in a universe of wonder alone in a crowd I scream my name to the world call me Ishmael for I have been promised a great nation and cast down am I.
It hurts sometimes. Not all the time when I hide or smile or cheer up because see it was all just a bad mood you are fine, see? It hurts sometimes because when you shake my hand the water splashes out of the cup because you shook my hand of course. There was water in the cup and sometimes that hurts.
It hurts sometimes when it is 3 am and time has lost meaning because so have my actions and I could be an angel or a monster but nobody noticed the castles and pits I have built.
It hurts sometimes. Not all the time. Opiate for the masses they have called it but it grew from my hope for the future for I am truly indomitable. It hurts sometimes but it has never broken me and the fight is my own and wait, where did you go?
It hurts sometimes when I lie here. I have spoken but will not share again for I mhst keep silent. It hurts sometimes, and I
Sleep well. Sweet dreams. I will see you tomorrow. Yeah I am tired too it is time to head to bed.
It hurts sometimes when you are gone but you were never there, not in my story I am sorry I don’t mean to say that I know you do I just get mixed up sometimes and sometimes I hurt and I guess I lash out and it is no big deal we are fine.
It hurts sometimes, but i don’t have to tell you that, you feel it too, when she left and I hurt and when nobody was there and I felt so alone I am here now you are here now we are one and the same. We always were, literally. No I am not crazy I am just alone, so I guess talking to myself is better than alone.
Can’t I just live, please?
Love? Be loved? Not relegate it to its own special corner where the things I can’t have go? I want so badly. Love love love love love together. I guess some barriees can be broken.
It hurts sometimes.
It hurts sometimes.
I love you.
It is so quiet.
It hurts sometimes to say goodnight.
I have been thinking about a way to pen my thoughts and make my ideas take some form of reality. It’s been a long week, and this is probably the worst that I have felt in the past several years. Instead of complaining, I am going to begin working, and soon I will be done with the state that I am in. This blog will probably become something of a personal journal, but with its vast readership, I don’t see how it could become anything else.
…”The fire was hot. That’s how my hand originally felt it, in what my brain stated to be the understatement of the year. For some reason, I immediately realized that this was the first time that I had ever had my hand truly injured. It’s strange the thoughts that go through your head right as panic clutches at your heart and the blooming cloud of agony numbs your mind. I was glad that the pain was bad enough that I couldn’t even feel it. Because when I did, I knew that I would probably not be able to think about anything but my hand, and not the people burning it.
So, clutching my left arm to my chest as I backed away, I leveled the .45 right to the center of the inferno spewing towards me, and fired as I dove to the side.
I was rewarded with a sudden, jerking halt in the flow, and used this opportunity to put a few more shots in the same area before I rolled to my feet and tried to get out of the rapidly crumbling building. Sprinting toward the door, I heard just how effective my shots had been as a high whistling sound announced that I had punctured one of the propane tanks on my assailant’s low-tech flamethrower. The ensuing fireball slammed me forward with a feeling like a combination NFL lineman and falling bonfire, crushing the flimsy screen door in front of me even as the edges of my coat caught fire and my head snapped forward into a relatively soft snowdrift.
Just before I passed out, I had time for only one thought. Master of tact and wisdom that I am, I managed to groan ‘God I hate weekends; before everything went black.”
Veni, Canti, Vici.
Division 1 Superior rating, and on to state I go.
(that’s gh as in hiccough, ough as in though, phth as in phthisis, eigh as in neigh, tte as in gazette and eau as in beau).
(Or the portion that is following me so far. The rest of you aren’t following me…yet.)
I have decided that I am about to have enough time in the day to begin the arduous task of writing out the book that I have been planning for a couple of years. I also believe my writing chops have finally become adequate for a first draft.
Expect a chapter soon, and possible teasers and excerpts to follow.
This is going to be interesting.